May 2010
1 post
April 2010
16 posts
The Waking
by Theodore Roethke
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I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.
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We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
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Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I...
Twenty-eighth
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss.
Twenty-seventh
The whole idea of growing up never really meant much to me back then—when things seemed to fall in place by themselves and life was just so damn easy.
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It still doesn’t.
The Events of Three Minutes' Worth of Words
In the surrender is where you found me
And there, I knew not much of whatever it is
That exists in that space between the sky and the cloud,
‘Til you presented yourself in artificial stardust
From a single cigarette that was lit around
Three minutes ago, conjuring up an invisible magic trick
That took me back to that time when the hanky
Turned into a dove
And back into a hanky
...
The First of All my Dreams was of
by e.e. cummings
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the first of all my dreams was of
a lover and his only love,
strolling slowly (mind in mind)
through some green mysterious land
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until my second dream begins—
the sky is wild with leaves; which dance
and dancing swoop (and swooping whirl
over a frightened boy and girl)
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but that mere fury soon became
silence: in hunger always whom
two tiny selves sleep...
From Robert Browning to Elizabeth Barrett Browning
January 28, 1846
Ever dearest—I will say, as you desire, nothing on that subject—but this strictly for myself: you engaged me to consult my own good in the keeping or breaking our engagement; not your good as it might even seem to me; much less seem to another. My only good in this world—that against which all the world goes for nothing—is to spend my life with you,...
The Bargain
by Sir Philip Sidney
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My true love hath my heart, and I have his,
By just exchange, one for the other given.
I hold his dear, and mine he cannot miss,
There never was a better bargain driven.
His heart in me keeps me and him in one,
My heart in him his thoughts and senses guides;
He loves my heart, for once it was his own,
I cherish his, because in me it bides.
His heart his wound...
A New Now
What is it? Difference?
The mockery of lost ideals—
That the soul comes as the soul
And not as one half of an entirety?
This is nature, all natural,
Telling me, in loss, that I had been wrong.
That there exists something higher,
Maybe fate,
Though I doubted it
A million times
Before.
All the Familiar Scorching of Summer
How the sun curls onto every surface, its heat
Unmercifully burning every pretty creature,
Every delicate leaf.
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It’s a shame—the grandest products of spring
Cannot blossom as they used to, for the sun
Does not nurture any longer.
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It hinders growth. It claims that the flower’s petals
Will fail to spread as they must without it,
But not even the sunflowers yield.
-
...
Longing
When the day again becomes day,
And the sun does not burn as it does in the now-night,
That is the day that I will have floated
Back into a more familiar wetness.
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This place is indeed the most frightening of oceans.
Here, the water is intoxicated, drunken,
And the stinging toxic in its salt makes me
Want to jump out, as a fish that longs to be a dove.
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I may have forgotten what...
Twenty-sixth
The swinging of emotion. I cannot stabilize myself. There’s an emptiness inside me that keeps rearing its ugly head.
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For the biggest part of my early youth, I had been alone, and I was fine being that way—but the taste of selfless and comfortable company found me, and now I feel I cannot do without it.
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With you, there was no need to try. I just had to be me, and that was...
Twenty-fifth
I’m afraid because this feeling is familiar. I’ve yearned for freedom many times before, even believing I could find it in the sight of blood.
It’s ironic because they tell me to stand up on my own two feet now that I’m alone, but at the same time, they’re the ones hindering me from doing so.
I’m tired of opinions and side comments. I’m tired of...
Between Us
I’m writing this because no one else, except you, would fully grasp this meaningless gibberish.
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A nameless corner, cheap bended metal roof
To keep the rain from touching different lengths of hair,
All the while burning paper sticks stuffed with tobacco,
Pouring smoke into the tunnels of breathing,
Weaker by seven seconds after each inhale.
We had that little place, down by another...
3-D Glasses
This is the reopening of another memory.
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I used to be young—a child dressed
In the most fanciful garments
Like fairytale lace and shiny blue ribbons,
Petticoats and flowers in my hair.
My religion was this—and I kept it
A secret from my parents, because
Fuck, if they found out I was different
I wouldn’t have flown to Disney World.
My dreams were like stories, tales
Of adventure,...
As Far as Cho-Fu-Sa
by Mookie Katigbak
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If you are coming down the narrows of the river Kiang,
let me know beforehand and I will come out to meet you
As far as Cho-Fu-Sa.
-Li Po, “The River Merchant’s Wife,” as translated by Ezra Pound
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What I am, ever, is this: composure of stone.
Spare weather visiting the garden, small as the hours
I keep watch by. Beyond this wall
-
Must be better...
March 2010
33 posts
For everything
Thank you, Stu.
Twenty-fourth
It’s great to bear witness to all these things.
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I thought it would take me much longer to patch myself up, but for some reason, all the strength that I thought I had lost came bursting back into my system.
Twenty-third
I woke up this morning feeling new. I saw through eyes that I had forgotten were mine, and in that moment, spaced out and waiting for my movements to self-activate in the day’s early hours, I smiled.
Twenty-second (as ironically appropriate as that...
I hate to admit it. I thought it was only you I was meant to love.
Tonight I Can Write
by Pablo Neruda
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Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
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Write, for example, “The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.”
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The night wind revolves around the sky and sings.
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Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
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Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again...
Here I Love You
by Pablo Neruda
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Here I love you.
In the dark pines the wind disentangles itself.
The moon glows like phosphorus on the vagrant waters.
Days, all one kind, go chasing each other.
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The snow unfurls in dancing figures.
A silver gull slips down from the west.
Sometimes a sail. High, high stars.
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Oh the black cross of a ship.
Alone.
Sometimes I get up early and even my soul is wet.
...
Twenty-first
I miss you. Everything reminds me of you, and that’s why it’s so difficult. It’s because we’ve touched everything with our hands tied together—the car seat, the smoking areas, the restaurants.. You are in everything. I wish we hadn’t built a world that involved everything that existed. Now, everything leads to me one memory after another.
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Love is so short....
Twentieth
So this is the morning after. It’s true that the sun really does make you hopeful—just slightly, not entirely.
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I haven’t felt like this in my entire life. I haven’t felt this broken down, torn between choosing to still believe in the fairytales I’d been brainwashed with since I was born or just figuring that the romantic sort of love is just something for the...
Nineteenth
You know what would be perfect right now?
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Waking up at 5:30 in the morning, incredibly sluggish right before a warm shower
Getting into a yellow and white checkered uniform
Taking a 20-minute ride in a car that I’ve grown incredibly sick of
And walking into my high school classroom.
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That would solve all my problems.
All the ramblings of the last few hours
This day is reminiscent of that scene in Star Wars where Luke Skywalker carries Yoda in his backpack. It’s smoky here. I feel tiny, compressed into a little parcel, riding helplessly, trusting the direction of someone else. All the while, I know I can just jump off and work my master Jedi powers on the fog and all the scary shit that hides in it. But I choose not to. At the end of the day...
Eighteenth
Tomorrow, I will wake up differently.
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I know that I’m not caught in a bad dream. This time, all of this is really happening—I am falling off from a cliff in a car crash. You were in the car with me. The only difference is that I wasn’t afraid that time.
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There’s that feeling that everyone knows. It’s a feeling that only dreams give us—the feeling of...
Seventeenth
Be quick on your feet when we fall from our last embrace. This is the last thing I will ask from you.
The last punctuation mark on a run-off sentence
It’s getting worse by the day.
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This is how I pay for my sins, trying to be careful, precise—the way you were when the wounds were new and I needed you to sew me back together. I like to think I leaked out all the bad blood when you squeezed my hand. In those moments, I saw your scars. You had healed completely, and there you were, teaching me how to get by bearing a fresh cut on my...
Couch
We used to sit here all the time. This was our little corner of refuge, our go-to spot whenever things were fucking up. I remember how we used to tell each other that we’d take this couch with us when we had the chance to run away.
I remember falling asleep here, with your hand resting on my rib cage. You couldn’t have brushed the hair away from my face that time. It hadn’t...
Fifteenth
I couldn’t stop running last night, like I was trying to really get away from something. A single song was on repeat. It was slow this time—I wasn’t running on the beat of something fast-paced. This was a slow incision. Careful, precise. A large fraction of pacing around the streets last night consisted of automatic movement and zero thought. Because of this, I hardly remember...
Thirteenth
How ironically unlucky.
Redundant. Everything’s the same because it’s not the same anymore.
It’s not so bad. You’re just the best I ever had.
Twelfth
Super intense lines under my eyes. It’s finally done.
Eleventh
I didn’t go through with breaking myself.
Pair
It will always begin with the fullness of his boy lips
And the criss-crossing shadows formed under eyelashes.
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My hands have danced over these many times,
Each time triggering a dangerous initiation of sorts.
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This is the same place where love chose to begin.
With touch, and glance, and the fullness of his boy lips.
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Here, I have laid down my life
In the kisses I have planted upon...
A Recounting of All That I Have Made Myself
Your mouth takes shape as the song plays. It’s slow, careful in its angles and precise with its slight openings. I was afraid it would be. It frightened me how you made me laugh. It terrified me how you made me smile. There I was, skin leaving my bones, bleeding out the way humans do; and you decided to love me. You decided to find your heart and press it into my hand, making it burst...
Tenth
I’m better today.
Nostalgia hits you hard. I miss who I was in high school and I need to work on getting that self back, with a little extra on the side. It made me feel like crap at the beginning, seeing how much of me I’ve actually let go of the moment college started.
This is me turning into a bionic fairy of sorts. Watch out world, here I come
Ninth
My mind’s working like an accordion envelope right now. This is shit.
You know, I’m just really not happy is all
Eighth
Somebody shut my brain off
Seventh
Just finished a quick run around Rockwell. I’m a little nervous about all the academic crap that I have to go through today. I should be fine. Someone tell me
I’m fine
Haha. Okay. WTF
Sixth
Everything’s piling up. I need to get my shit together.
The extra energy is actually what’s killing me. I have nowhere to put it besides running and that’s just not enough. Gimme a writing streak
I ONLY WISH TO MAKE YOU CRY
I only wish to make you cry.
Such an odd desire for one such as me—a youth in love, But too bizarre are we to question eccentricity.
I only wish for a tear to be shed In the midst of bliss and dreams, And in the midst of pain and screams, Eyes are wounded and red From the blood they have bled That is of no color.
I only wish to make you cry Because it hurts so much that your...
BLABBERMOUTH
(Posting old poetry in a useless attempt to kick off a writing streak.)
Exhaustion and don’t judge me, because there’s
The knowledge of I’m much better than you despite
The fear of inadequacy and
The ever present leave-me-the-fuck-alone syndrome
And yes, I am like the explosive
Lamp in a novel forced upon you,
So ready to spark something that need not
Be sparked from...
Fifth
Halfway through with what I need to finish today and I wish I had a little more sweetness in this life
Fourth
I lack sleep and I don’t know if I can run. I’m way too groggy right now to function. I can’t find my Gu and my salt capsules.
I poured a little bit of my heart out last night to a friend. It’s been so long since I’ve done that. Detachment is my main defense strategy with anyone. It sucks I’m losing the ability to put that wall up.
To add to that,...
Third
It hasn’t been easy to write. That’s a really painful bit of truth to swallow.
I’m looking out for inspiration.
DUCKIE
Wet rubber—
Wet, hard rubber
My favorite toy.
White foam
So much white foam
Caught on everything,
Spilling out,
Clinging to my body—
All of my body.
Arms, chest, legs.
Face, neck, mouth.
I enjoy my time in the tub.
I like the wetness.
This is the proof that we have all lost our innocence.
Second
There’s so much to do. Projects and papers are all piling up as they usually do at this time of the year. I shouldn’t be getting stressed. I should be used to this by now. I had it much worse in high school.
It’s amusingly appropriate that there will be a lot of music tonight. Thank goodness for that. Thank goodness for Lolita. Thank goodness for running shoes.
I’m going...
First
It’s morning.
I should have been awake two hours ago, but my alarm clock decided to shut itself up too quickly. It’s late for a quick morning run.